There’s always someone listening
- Thomas Doukas
- Dec 3, 2024
- 11 min read
Updated: Aug 26
As I finish reading the book by Ethan Kross titled “Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It”, I am reflecting on our inner voice, this charlatan that incessantly talks to us in our head, often to protect us, and more often to hinder and trouble us.
It seems to me that this inner critic not only sends messages but also receives them and registers all the information only to create more messages for us. Someone I used to coach and very dear colleague now (V. Friery-Pillon, personal communication) referring to our inner brain said that ‘there’s always someone listening; as soon as you say something, it’s registered’. Our mind is like a gorge or an echo-chamber; it repeats back and amplifies it all.
The difficulty here, in some ways is human nature and trying to escape it. We have opinions about the things we do and about others and we express these; then these ideas and beliefs become words and verdicts and they get imprinted into our own and even someone else’s mind too and they stay there, they terrorise us and haunts us for ever; they define our thinking and our outlook and mental attitude and then they determine how we interpret and respond to situations and decisively, affect our lives as a whole.
So in our effort to communicate, to help and to provide viewpoints and opinions to others, as friends and colleagues or family, we influence the thoughts of other people and our own at the same time and we create these voices that stay for ever and they either heal or cause damage randomly and it’s impossible to escape from it because that’s how communities and society are build. We are falling victims of our own humanity over and over again. I often call this phenomenon the ‘planting-the-seed/idea’ situation and does what it says on the tin.
But this is not a new idea. You may know the term ‘meme’ used and made accessible to masses in the modern era internet. An Internet meme is an activity, concept, catchphrase or piece of media that gains popularity and spreads rapidly via the Internet. An Internet meme is often helped along by social networking sites and blogs that post and repost popular memes and, in doing so, reinforce the popularity of the memes. However, well before this digital phenomenon, Richard Dawkins coined the word "meme" in his 1976 bestseller ‘The Selfish Gene’, which is ascribed to an idea, behaviour or style that spreads from person to person within a culture. It was meant to evoke the word gene (from biology) because a meme is the cultural equivalent—words, accents, ideas, tunes, and more that spread from brain to brain through some process of replication or imitation. The field of mimetics studies how information and cultures develop based on principles of Darwinian evolution.
To return to the inner-voice and to explain this phenomenon in a simplified manner, I frequently use the GRANNY metaphor in coaching. So, imagine you have a granny who cares about you a great deal. In my country, Greece, and sure in other countries too, grannies often say things like ‘take a cardigan with you’ when you go out. This has become a typical phrase of an over-protective relative and frequently used as a joke. When I propose this metaphor, I explain to the person I coach, that plausibly the ‘granny’ makes a good point almost half of the time, so in the cold months, she’s right but because of force of habit the other half of the time, when the weather is warm, her advice is not relevant. And at these latter cases, it’s when we must argue back and make a case against this advice (picture something like this: ‘Thanks granny, but it’s August so I really don’t think I need a cardigan’). In theory, the more you argue back the more you train your brain (not sure about the granny!) to resist the ‘irrational’ advice and to make better sense of the suggestion. At the same time, we learn how to avoid introjection i.e. the swallowing of whole ideas or beliefs without processing them (in our case, the belief that we need a carding even in the scorching weather).
This is what is often referred to in coaching as the Saboteur in its more elaborate version (employs more phrases than the aforementioned cardigan); and it has all the reasons and intentions to tell you why your plan is dangerous and hopeless and it’s not going to work out in the end, so you’d rather abandon it without even trying. The Saboteur is particularly skilful at taking a small piece of the truth and turning it into a whole thesis of defence for stopping you or convince you to never start. It’s taking control of the rational and the voice apparatus and will go to great lengths to build the case and defend it (in our case, how even in August you may, plausibly, get caught sort of a cardigan if there is a heavy rainstorm).
So, when does this chatter stops and we reclaim control of our thoughts and narrative?
Enter you! Ready to fight, to argue back and to reason as a reply to your mind’s incessant talk. And here’s some ideas on how to do this.
Change the narrative
In coaching we often talk about ‘negative self-talk’ and there are several exercises you can find online to practice. The general idea is that people who talk to themselves (or your inner voice does) with negative self-talk, stop themselves from being successful. This little voice in your head can limit your goals, self-esteem and aspirations. By eliminating this voice, you are giving you the option of being more successful. Negative self-talk & Learned Optimism
Another way you can influence your mind and ultimately your life’s outlook, mood and disposition, is by adopting the learned optimism approach. This is a concept from positive psychology’s founding father, Martin Seligman, that argues that we can cultivate a positive perspective. So, with a more positive outlook in life you could be in a much better position to enhance your wellbeing. Seligman gives some top tips on how to adapt optimistic and few of those involve controlling negative self-talk.
Distractions - practice (repeat) to make it the new norm
Like our bodies, our minds need distraction and interruption of a specific pattern. For example, in labour a TENS machine (Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation) might be employed to reduce the pain. By sending mild electrical impulses the machine both stimulates the nerves in the spinal cord to block the pain, but it also works as a distraction giving the woman in labour more sense of control and reducing anxiety and stress. It’s a way of diverting the pain and attention to another location in the body, by changing the perception of pain and it is used to treat a range of conditions, including osteoarthritis, tendinitis and fibromyalgia. (It worth noting here, that from discussions I had with few female colleagues and friends, there’s a suggestion that TENS machines don’t always work during labour and often something much stronger was required to see them through.) Similarly, you can establish some kind of distraction for your mind’s activity by introducing small habits and routines that helps you change your perception. These can be specific sentences you tell yourself (affirmations) when you feel your mind is taking control, or smaller habits engaging your other senses (touch, smell, taste, hearing etc.). By repeating these habits regularly, you can reinforce positive beliefs about yourself, and your capabilities and it will also help you improve your focus and concentration and self-awareness. This way you can control your mental activity and create new imprinting. Amongst a range of tools to use, Kross also discusses the power and influence of rituals and other placebo-effect practices for controlling your mind’s narrative. For example, by utilising an object that you believe has specific properties that help you navigate a challenging situation, or by implementing some kind of routine can help you take control (or have a sense of control) over your inner voice. Argue back – The fight
The story of David and Goliath in the Bible goes like this: Goliath, a heavily armed Philistine giant, challenged King Saul for 40 days to send out a man to fight him. No one would face this warrior until a small shepherd boy David, armed only with a sling and stones, volunteered. David hit the giant in the forehead with a stone and killed him.
I quite often meet people in my coaching practice defeated by a small loss or an adversity or something that didn’t go well in a presentation, meeting, task or else. That’s when you forget all your other victories, wins and successes and this small affliction, like David, hit the giant experience and accomplishment you have gathered and knocks him dead. If you were to turn the tables around, you can see that what is a weak, single issue, can be blown out of proportion in your mind, so it becomes bigger than the actual make-up of your entire self!
So, how can you get your Goliath back in the fight? What can you do to bring back your big, wonderful self into display again? Consider what would you do, if you were to re-arrange this fight.
For this exercise, it’s important to remember, how other people see you, is the way you present yourself to them! So, if you feel small and controlled by the small fighter because he has overtaken your bigger self, then that’s what the others see! So, what is going to be? Are you going to embrace David and let him win again or reclaim Goliath?
Use some of the methods presented in the previous point to talk yourself into this fight and to bring back to life your Goliath. Finally, remember you are also fighting the negativity bias, this human tendency to register and dwell more on negative thoughts and negative experiences.
Zoom out
In a finger-focus situation when let’s say you have hurt your index, then your focus is on the area of pain, in the finger that’s sore. In this case you can only focus on this and nothing else (the rest is blurred) because you zoom-into the sore finger; you really don’t have time and the attention to think about the other fingers at all; they are not relevant. This is similar to a blind spot, the things you, intentionally or subconsciously, fail to recognise about yourself and other people actually see. And this is because you are the one in question so the closer you get to something the more blind you become to it. Stepping back and looking at the bigger picture (a fly on the wall view) will help overcome this and bridge the gap. Again, here I am talking about distancing yourself from the actual event, thought or focus that your mind dictates you to pay attention to. Also, importantly, it’s about getting a sense of relatedness of this event within a bigger context or system that will help you evaluate its importance (or not). Another idiom I often use is that for this kind of situation is the ‘can’t see the forest for the tree’.
Getting out of your head
Consider the universe or cosmic context and the importance (or non) of what happens to you. Kross calls it Shrinking the Self and he refers to notion of AWE in the sense of recognising your smallness and other people’s importance too; it’s about blurring the line between your own sense of self and the surrounding world.
Oliver Buckerman in his book ‘4,000 weeks’ presents the idea of cosmic insignificance, a liberating approach to the bigger things in the universe that works as a reminder that...
in the grandest scheme of things, nothing I do or fail to do matters much at all;
a realisation with its roots in Stoic philosophy, and other wisdom traditions, which Buckerman refers to as cosmic insignificance therapy. This is similar to the zooming out technique mentioned earlier, but at a bigger scale; it’s about stepping out of your egocentric self and realise how little you, and the things you do matter, in the bigger scheme of things; it’s about feeling liberated from your own importance and from the high stakes burden you carry on your shoulders every day with the decisions you have to make. What it’s NOT about, is letting go of the small, meaningful things you do, your interactions and responsibilities but finding this balance, fine tuning. As Buckerman puts it:
The trick is to find consolation in this without becoming a nihilist; to see the fleetingness of this corner of time as a reason to care about people and events, not to disengage.
We find similar notions in the Spotlight Effect phenomenon, our tendency to overestimate how much people around us pay attention to what we do and say, and how they notice how we dress, what we say and how we behave all the time. This is the result of the ‘egocentric bias’, in other words, relying heavily on our perspective, and consider our events, beliefs and ideas as if we are the centre of attention for everybody, the protagonist of life’s theatrical play.
Talk it through
There is an old idiom saying that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ and although I generally try to steer away from popular sayings, there’s so much wisdom in this one. We know already the benefit of talking therapies and talking to others generally. It gets you out of your head, gives you a different perspective and the sense of being able to cope better with the emotions of a specific situation. Use your circle of support to share your thoughts and ideas; from starting a new business, to sharing a new idea, a problem or your joy, using your circle of support to discuss it. Research in many fields from cancer to leadership showed that talking to different people in your circle (depending on the topic or subject of the item to discuss) increases resilience, emotional regulation, meaning and purpose both in life and at work. The less we speak of our doings and problems to others, the louder they roar in our own head, so we need to create time and space for these conversations both about the problems and about showing appreciation for the good things.
Jot it down
Reflective writing is proven to have a range of benefits, from assisting and strengthening your learning, to clarifying your thoughts, by examining them and reviewing and evaluating them at a later time. And although it’s a slower process than talking to someone, it gives you the opportunity to focus and look inwards with more attention. Writing help also to give form to thoughts and spoken ideas in a more concrete manner.
Writing is really useful when looking back and reflecting on your own writing; but has other benefits too, such as reducing stress, improves memory, boosts your mood, strengthens emotional stability, and it develops your IQ and EI!
It’s however, more constructive recording both the ups and the downs of your life. Writing then becomes a tool in your hands. You can choose how to use it as you take charge of your health and your life and more importantly of the voice in your head.
You can employ an observational diary: record your ideas for a period of time; put yourself under surveillance; no clue should go unnoticed. Write down everything. Try asking close friends and family what they think of you or of a specific situation. Finally, keep it short and sweet, but scribble down ideas or keywords as they appear in your head, and try doing this regularly!
Keeping a journal of your thoughts, actions, observations is also a really powerful activity to help you achieve lasting and positive change. Using a journal is also an effective tool for dealing with anxiety and fear… two of the most powerful obstacles for making and maintaining changes. If you’re aware of an unhealthy or unproductive choice you are about to make and take just one minute to think through a better choice in the moment, you can then choose differently and seriously change your life, one choice at a time.
Celebrate
Finally, don’t forget to celebrate your successes. This is very important both for your wins and achievements and also for the efforts you have put into these small steps and actions, if it’s done in a meaningful way. It will help to reinforce and strengthen your new habits, to boost your motivation and help grow this newly found optimism.
In conclusion…
… this little voice in our head, our internal monologue, is a unique friend and enemy at the same time, enigmatic and yet expressive, it’s a lifelong presence. We can use some of these tools to recognise it, to get to know it better and hopefully to make sense of it and somehow control it; or just make it kinder. So, here’s your chance to change these memes or create your own ones.
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