Step by step (bit by bit, stone by stone & … day by day)

From the title of the article, you might infer that this is about the famous Whitney Houston song. And although the lyrics, originally written and recorded by Annie Lennox, are both beautiful and relevant to the topic, clearly, I am not referring to it here. This article is rather about progress, how we perceive it when we set goals and what in reality, looks like. It’s also about understanding what works and what doesn’t and thoughts for maximising successful outcomes. Therefore, let me start with this first observation, i.e., that progress is not linear.  

We often see progress for the goals we have set up being a linear, usually upwards moving, trajectory. In reality this is not the case, and by breaking it down we can have a viewpoint of both the singular phases in the journey and the bigger picture, in other words, what your progress might look like overtime.  

For the former, the fact is that there are many ups and downs in the course. The more aware we are of these fluctuations the more accepting we become of the reality and therefore we are better prepared to deal with, without being disappointed and disheartened or self-critical. For the latter, THINK BIG – try to see the bigger picture of your goal; what progress would like overtime. By having a more ‘hindsight view’ of the progress you are making, it will give you a better view of the accumulative results. It's not difficult to miss this overall view, and this is explained in the book ‘The Compound Effect’ by Darren Hardy, where he evaluates the power and the effect that small, consistent choices can have overtime when considering the overall outcomes (1). And here’s an example he gives in his book:

THE 3 FRIENDS

Let’s meet Larry, Scott and Brad, and assume they share similar circumstances.

• Larry keeps doing what he has always done.

• Scott makes some small, positive changes daily e.g. reading 10 pages, cutting 125 calories by replacing soda with water, walking an extra 1,000 steps.

• Brad makes a few poor choices e.g. buying a big TV (to enjoy his favourite shows), eating more dessert and adding 1 drink per week to his new bar.

At month 10, there are no perceivable differences. By month 25, measurable differences can be seen and by month 31, the differences quickly become stark. Scott loses 33.5lbs, gets a promotion and raise, and his marriage is thriving. Larry is exactly in the same space and feeling bitter about it. Brad, on the other hand, puts on 33.5lbs (weighing 67lbs more than Scott). He has been feeling sluggish and less confident about himself, became less productive at work and more withdrawn from his marriage, leading to unhappiness both at work and at home.

In summary, we can say that the formula adopted in this book is the following:

Small choices + consistency + time = significant results

Now, I know this example sounds brilliant in theory, but I adopt a more relaxed approach to life, to success and to money, and my focus is more on personal growth and development. In my view, some of the suggested results perhaps are not necessarily achievable in practice/real life. Furthermore, as discussed further ahead, progress and success are not always incremental in its strictest sense. Undoubtedly, I am not Larry, Scott, or Brad, but Thomas, so, I see myself sitting somewhere in between. It is however a great example to boost my motivation and to remind me that small steps can make a huge difference. Still, is it possible to stick to these smaller changes, even if I miss some of my targets (2), some days, and even if I don’t become a millionaire in the end? These choices/small steps will still have a very powerful effect in my life, be it financial, on my waistline or my reading habits. Finally, by sticking to those as much as I can/want, subsequently I am even changing a habit and adopting a new one.  

On this note, a second point to consider are those smaller, more manageable steps that make more sense to achieve our goals or change a behaviour, so THINK SMALL. A typical example of this are New Year’s resolutions. Consider this; it’s 3^rd of January and after a couple of weeks of partying and celebrating the festivities, heads down and there’s a wish-list to complete in my new journal about all the things I want to achieve in the new year. So, here I go: stop smoking, drinking, and eating carbs, hit the gym 4-5 times a week and read more books (a similar example to the 3 friends from Hardy’s book). And, ideally, have it all in place by the end of the month! Simple right? Well, this is a recipe for disaster; everything and all at once is never a successful recipe. So, take it easy and plan smaller and more achievable steps. For example, if your goal is to write a novel, or crime fiction, start by setting a goal of writing let’s say 500 words a day. If you goal is instead getting back to reading books, then set yourself to read let’s say 5 pages a day. Now, you may increase these goals overtime, but the progress is not going to be necessarily incremental i.e. read one more page every day, because that will mean that at some stage you will be reading a book a day (or writing a book a day as a matter of fact). So, you are looking to set a realistic goal which it may increase some days but not necessarily, and others it might decrease. Eventually, I want to reach a point where I have a new habit (or have changed an old one) and I stick with it without having to increase the amount or value.  

A third aspect to contemplate is STOCK TAKING – When there is a ‘relapse’, ‘setback’ or whatever you want to call it, then take stock. Identify and evaluate the patterns of reverting to such old habits, the triggers and the behaviours and consider the learnings and any changes you can implement. For example, I relapse or get out of the habit of reading, when I am very tired from work, and this happens usually during weekdays. I then tend to sit on the sofa and watch the telly till I fall asleep. Could I swap the telly element with reading my book even if it’s few pages and fall asleep while reading? Then that’s a success.  

And this takes us into the fourth element to consider, i.e. GET BACK ON TRACK. Things are not just black and/or white; there are many other colours in the spectrum in between. So, when for example, I relapsed on my diet plan, it doesn’t mean that everything is lost, and I go back to zero. It might mean that I had a setback because I went to a party, and I can reset my plan to start again the day after. Many people have a feeling that all is lost and the effect of becoming so demotivated by it, actually brings us back to zero, because that’s where we give up and quit the effort. Remember point 2 (THINK BIG) as a way of picking up yourself and re-launching your efforts. Therefore, it’s important to be prepared to face these relapses, as it’s more a matter of ‘when’ and not of ‘if’. So, rather than think of this falling-off-habit situation as a total disaster, consider it to be part of the process; your learning journey that will help discover more about yourself and not necessarily self-improvement or being disciplined. Be prepared to acknowledge and embrace these feelings and emotions that come with it, to enhance your self-awareness and to focus on the present with self-compassion and not focusing solely on the mistake.  

Fifth, and final part to contemplate is to BE A GOOD FRIEND to yourself. This means approaching these difficult feelings with kindness, as you’d do when a friend was in the same situation, by listening, comforting and being compassionate. According to Dr Kristin Neff self-compassion “involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself, no different than having compassion for others.”  

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?

Moreover, Neff identifies 3 elements of self-compassion, namely, self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. It’s not about lowering my ambition, drive, and expectations; it’s about being human, recognising my vulnerability and imperfections and that making mistakes is part of a shared humanity.  

As I am writing this article, over a period of 4 weeks which I set to myself as a goal, I notice that my little steps are quite realistic, e.g. one day I said I will try writing 500 words in a the time-space of 2 hours and I managed slightly more than this, so I am celebrating the success and use it to motivate me for next time I have planned to write. This is both specific and achievable. I stopped when I’ve reached my planned goal, or when I felt I have naturally reached an end point without overstretching myself; there’s the danger of overdoing it which can cause me to lose motivation. On another occasion, and after I didn’t write at all for few days because of other commitments, I managed to write fewer words and I still considered this a small success without penalising or torturing myself. Still a little bit of progress.  

So, don't start tomorrow; start now with a small change, e.g. use a smaller plate for dinner. Celebrate this small win and don't be put off by the big stories, such as, I've lost 5 stones in 3 weeks. Remember, those have still had a starting, smaller point!  

Finally, these considerations are for small choices and changes we are making to improve ourselves or to change a habit or behaviour, but I don’t see them applying to our overall working life. It is then, when we need to stretch ourselves outside of our comfort zones to achieve more and reach our ambitions and goals be it for money rewards, title and influence or self-growth (internal vs. external motivators). So, when I say ‘take it easy and stop when there’s a natural end point’ this is not about turning up for work and setting yourself to underachieve.  

REFERENCES

• Darren Hardy, (2010) The Compound Effect: Jumpstart Your Income, Your Life, Your Success

• https://self-compassion.org/

(1) There are few more ideas and thoughts discussed in Hardy’s book that I, personally, find difficult to digest when I consider people in different circumstances, e.g. total responsibility of own situation; luck and opportunity; absolute consistency; choice at the centre of all success and failure; etc. I don’t wish to discuss those here as I don’t think the content of this article allows to do so, so I’ll leave the reader to make their own decision, assumptions and conclusions.

(2) Again, this approach doesn’t exactly conform to Hardy’s ideas, where a stricter, no-mistake line is adopted (“making small course corrections will result in exactly zero applause”; “the difference between the number one golfer and number ten golfer is just 1.9 strokes. The difference prize money is huge.”)  

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