Communication, communication, communication – PART I

Everything we are doing in our everyday life, communicates something to other people around us. From what we wear, to our choices of accessories, the way we move, and we interact with others, to our actual words, tone of voice, body language and facial expressions. All of these are also known as verbal and non-verbal cues.  

Our whole self gives constant messages about us, our background, our views, beliefs, values, opinions and even politics, yes politics. Research conducted at the University of Kansas[1] revealed a correlation between political views and our choice of shoes. Based on a series of factors, e.g. ugly vs. attractive, round vs. pointy toe shape, cheap looking vs. expensive looking etc., the experiment showed that a difference between the shoe choice of a liberal person as opposed to a conservative person was predictable following existing stereotypes for each group. This doesn’t mean that I need to be cautious and curate myself all the time; it just means that I need to be aware that the human brain takes shortcuts and makes assumptions based on a range of auditory and visual information and such shortcuts are often inevitable. Equally as we are talking about other people’s brains functioning this way, the same goes for our brain too. And although awareness can help overcome the stereotypical views our brains generate, it’s still difficult to completely remove these biases as they come very fast and without warning. It does worth the try though.  

Communication is a continuum.

In my coaching practice I meet people that want to speak more when they are in meetings for example, then I meet people that want to speak less. We all look around us for role models, and we strive to be more like those examples. The group of people that talks a lot and they want to talk less, see the other group as the wise one; while the group that doesn’t talk much and wants to talk more sees the other group as the wise ones! You can see where this is going, right?

A separate dimension to consider here is that we all have a frequently distorted view of ourselves (consider how your own voice sounds to you when you hear it back? Awful right?), so we tend to look at others as having desirable traits that we don’t possess, and we want to adopt those. This of course is a generalisation and surely many people recognise and cherish their good traits but remember, our mind often does things that are out of our control!

I say that if our communication style is a continuum, I’d like to help people to find their own point in this continuum. Certainly, we ought to strive to improve but also we need to be aware of our own uniqueness and authenticity.

Being authentic and celebrating our unique self is important for both our self-confidence and for diversity; we don’t want all of us to look and sound the same, right? We don’t want to fit into ‘boxes’ defined by other people.

Let’s also not forget that we are setting the example for younger generations, so the way we show up in the board room or during an important presentation may as well inspire younger leaders to develop a similar style, so in a sense we also have a responsibility towards the young generation and new leaders too that are looking up to us. Finally, this is an opportunity to set our own example and our own standards; communication styles and executive presence are often ‘boxy’ and not all of us might fit into these preset templates. I often like to think of myself as having a unique executive presence that can push the walls of the box a little bit to set a different image of what an executive might look or sound like.

So, although I want to have a presence that demands respect and gravitas, I also need to consider how to be authentic, and original and how to align my core values to the expectations of the role without needing necessarily to fit into the ‘box’. Self-awareness and introspection are necessary tools to do that, i.e. self-evaluate and understand my strengths and weaknesses so I can improve and grow, both as a person and as a communicator.

Finding myself in the continuum – asserting my own way

So, when you consider your communication style, be courageous about the particular features and intricacies your style might present and also be intentional about these, so tell other people. Let me present a couple of examples to illustrate my point. So, let’s say that you are someone who needs time to analyse and think things through before you make a statement. In that case and if you think this is something that others might notice, you may as well inform your colleagues, or other meeting participants beforehand, so they know what to expect. Or you may be a nervous presenter; or you may have a strong accent (like yours truly), or a very soft voice tone. So, by being intentional and spelling it out you achieve the following things:

1. You manage the expectations of the audience. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you lower the standards; you are just informing others about a unique trait of yours and what should they expect.

2. You send a message to your own brain; there is evidence in psychology that our own brains hear and react to messages the same way others do, so once your brain gets the message things might be less stressful, and you feel less pressure.  

3. You pre-empt their thoughts before they do; so, I often make a little joke about my accent; this is almost a self-preservation thing where I am saying to my audience something along the lines ….. 

Yes, I know you can hear my accent, and I know it’s there although I cannot really hear it myself. If by any chance there’s anything you don’t understand, do stop me and I’ll be more than happy to repeat, explain or rephrase!   

Do I think I lose face and credibility by making this joke? Not really. Instead, it helps me boost my confidence and my brain gets the message that now they know the ‘secret’ you can move on and focus on what matters, e.g. the agenda of the meeting or the topic of my presentation etc.

Someone might also say that such statement sounds defensive. Surely defence comes as a result of an ‘attack’ so in that respect this is not valid because this comes spontaneously and unapologetically.  

Such methodology is often used by stand-up comedians and theirs is often borrowed as a presentations’ technique and called improv.

Let me finally, be very clear! There is absolutely nothing wrong with having your own style of communication, or leadership style for that matter, and nothing wrong informing people of the way you are functioning by declaring it or not, if you don’t feel like doing so. If you do however, and there is something playing in your mind about a specific trait, then this might be a way to get it out in the open and move on to other, more important things. The choice is ultimately yours on how to define those boundaries.

In the end, communication is about creating a genuine connection with the other party, the interlocutor. And as both parties have a responsibility to this connection, we can start by taking care of our side of things and make sure that our communication is genuine and authentic. We are all humans after all and we strive to celebrate our differences and diversity as a whole, so go for it; be the one who’s brave enough to stand out and own it.

[1] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0092656612000608